Conundrums

Does that word mean what I think it means? Can I spell it? Who knows?

I am having a dilemma. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I am not happy with my job. I am a mixture of bored out of my gourd and overwhelmed. Maybe overwhelmed isn't the correct word, I need something that mean anxiety provoking.

There is not enough, at this time, to keep me busy all day. Which for me, is not a good thing. The work that there is, I am totally blind to. I am totally making it up as I go along. Problem is, I received zero training and there is no one in my office familiar with the job that I can ask questions. So I guess. And surprise! that makes me extremely uncomfortable. I like a specific list of what has to be done and how to do it. I am definitely a "follow the rules" kind of person. This uncertainty is going to continue for at least 2 more weeks, probably until the end of January when I know some new work (that I know how to do) will be coming.

This is extremely anxiety provoking. And shocker! I have an issue with anxiety. Like an official diagnosed and medicated problem. Unfortunately the medicated part of it doesn't take care of it 100%. I sit in my office shaking and freaking out because I don't know what to do. I have been in this position for 6 months and still don't feel any better about it.

It would follow that I need to find a new job. Great. With the place I am in with my anxiety levels and my depression, I am doubting every potential decision I make. I honestly have no idea what I should do.

I have an option. I could teach. That feels like a good possibility. I would definitely be busy and I really want the hours. (Now that the husband is working fulltime, childcare has been a fun game to play.) BUT, I remember being very stressed while I was teaching and what if I hate it? Plus, if I decide to apply for teaching positions to go through the interview process and see how I feel about it, I have to let me bosses know. The school district requires current letters of recommendation. I know my bosses would be supportive of any decision I make, but still...

ARGHHHHHH...

I should be grateful. I have a "good" job. The husband has a good job. My logical side says that I should see this through for a year and then evaluate how I feel about it. My irrational, LOUD side says that I have no clue how to do my job, I am a big old fraud pretending, and I am going to get caught screwing up.

Seems like every email I send out says, "I appreciate your patience as I learn the..."

Sigh... and it's fricking cold outside and I hate the cold and I don't know what to get anyone for Christmas. Meh!

And How are YOU doing?